This has been a post that I have been debating about writing for the past year. Its one of those things that will always have a place in my mind and my heart, and I guess it has taken this long for me to realize that maybe there is someone out there who might need to hear my story. But more importantly, it has taken this long for me to feel positively about it.
Last July (2013), I found out that I was pregnant. After months of trying- we were completely overjoyed to find out that it was finally our turn! With a due date to look forward to in March 2014, I felt like things were FINALLY going my way after obsessing over the months that nothing was happening. Plus, taking my career so seriously as a wedding photographer- our ‘trying’ window had to coincide with wedding season…which added an extra pressure to sprint to the win. So when I didn’t get pregnant right away, I started to obsess.
With my new embryo on board- I was thrilled, but I feel like there was always something a little ‘off’ about it. Besides tender boobs and some cramping, I really had almost zero symptoms of ‘being pregnant’. I think that coming from a place of pessimistic obsession and checking ‘getting pregnant’ off my list- looking back, I am not sure I was really in right place to take on motherhood. I actually felt anger and jealousy of nearly everyone on my Facebook feed that were popping up as (seemingly effortlessly) pregnant all over the place. And, I WAS pregnant. I got what I wanted, and I was still spiteful and jealous. I wasn’t myself.
August 14, 2013
During our months of trying, I actually started a One Line a Day Journal which I feel was my saving grace to keeping myself honest. Essentially, the way the journal works is for you to make a small journal entry (5 lines or so) a day, each page is it’s own day. When you get to the end of your year, you repeat the days that you had written on previously the year before. When we were trying to get pregnant, I would jot my disappointment with the idea that by the time I was writing in those future slots- I would have my child, and think of my impatience as silly.
On August 15th 2013 I made an entry- “I don’t even feel pregnant anymore. It is like it was all a dream…” and on August 21st, I started bleeding.
During all of this, I needed a little more than a line- so I typed a document on my computer,
here are the writings:
After a spat of bleedings, yesterday Matt and I went into the doctor to see what could be wrong with our baby. Since the nurse asked my blood type over the phone before scheduling my rush appointment, I knew there was something seriously wrong. According to my pregnancy tracker, I was 9 weeks pregnant the day I started bleeding.
Sitting in the doctors office with my husband, we were snickering about the horrible maroon-floral chints decor of the waiting room and Matt even made a comment about all of the “fat chicks” referring all of the big-bellied expecting ladies waiting for their checkups, he always knows how to make me smile. Laughing lightly in the moment, even though my heart was heavy and my eyes were still filled with tears.
They brought us in for our internal ultrasound. It felt unfortunate that this is how we would see our baby for the first time, premature of our appointment we were joyfully awaiting to come the following Monday. This was different, this wasn’t how I’d hope it would go. Holding Matt’s hand tightly, I couldn’t help but look away from the screen. My occasional peek lead to me seeing a tiny little baby outline. After we both stared at the still little outline, Matt says “What exactly are we looking at here?” When our tech replied, “Well, that is a baby- but it doesn’t look like we have a heartbeat today.”
With tears streaming down my face, I feel like I just sort of left the room mentally. She explained that the baby was only 6.5 weeks developed, which means it probably passed about 2.5 weeks ago. This wasn’t how I would have hoped I’d see our first baby for the first time.
As I sobbed in Matt’s arms about the baby we never really knew, but wanted for so long- he was strong, strong for me. Which almost made it worse, because I know how badly he wants to be a daddy.
After receiving a prescription to make the “passing” of the fetus go by quicker, I am waiting…waiting in horrible pain for my little angel to leave my body. I am so scared of what I will see and I can’t wait for it to be over.
During all of this, I feel so blessed to have such an amazing partner. Not everyone is so strong and supportive. He is positive that when it actually happens to us for real, it will be better than ever. And I love him for that.
Day 4 since we found out our little one doesn’t have a heartbeat. It has been absolute torment thinking about when it will leave my body. I am in pure agony physically and emotionally. Yesterday I was working shooting a wedding, I feel blessed that it didn’t happen then- but living on the edge as to when this will be surprising me is awful. I can’t wait for all of this to be over and for us to be able to go on living our lives that we love. Today I have had non-stop sharp cramping and bleeding, maybe this will be the time? I hope.
I keep thinking about how I will deal with it when it happens, but I guess it is something I won’t know til it happens. I think I would like to bury our baby somewhere in our yard.
Whenever I look out at our gardens, I think about when I first planted. It felt like the plants would never grow even though I was nurturing them relentlessly. As soon as I knew it, I got so busy with life that I left everything alone. Now all of our plants are so large and bountiful I can’t believe how quickly it seems they grew when it felt like they started at a standstill…. One day I will have my healthy baby, and it will seem like no time at all, even though we got a slow start. So, I think I will plant our little seedling in our yard to remind me how much we loved our little baby even though it wasn’t ready to be on this earth.
Today I started cramping with the sharpest most horrendous pain I have ever experienced. After a couple of hours of barely bearing it, I finally gave in and called my doctor. I was honestly worried that my neighbors might call the cops since I couldn’t stop screaming. I was praying for anything to make it stop.
My mom went to pick up a prescription my doctor called in for the pain. By the time she arrived, I was laying on the bathroom floor nearly passed out from the amount of blood I lost and my body felt exhausted from the pain of the contractions. I have honestly never felt worse in my life, and my poor mother had to see me like that on her birthday.
With the pain meds in my system, I was finally able to relax have some dinner that Matt made for me. Shortly after, the baby finally passed. I wrapped it in some fabric from our wedding and put it in a small box. Matt dug a hole under our purple locust and we buried our little dream. Honestly, I just feel relief…relief of this nightmare. We are ready for the future.
After not seeing those for a year- I am, of course, sobbing my face off, but I am SO glad that I wrote it down. It was such an important time in Matt and my relationship and in our lives.
After another failed (very early) pregnancy later that November, I realized it just wasn’t our year- and it was time to start trying again in February. The time between felt long and sad. I felt jealousy towards anyone experiencing the life they chose, since my planned path was NOT going the way that I thought it would. Yet, I was feeling guilty for feeling anything. Especially after seeing a friend lose her baby before 30 weeks around the same time as my first miscarriage. Why did I have a right to feel anger? My experience is nothing compared to others’! My journal kept me honest…and the blank years to come kept me hopeful.
After what I could easily say, was the most difficult year of my life- I decided that it was okay to let myself be happy again. I was allowed to feel happy for other people, and I was allowed to let it go and start over.
A few days after I got to witness the birth of my best friend’s baby boy, I found out that I was pregnant. And I knew right away that it was different. Of course I was scared (and still am, every day) that something would happen to my little miracle- but I felt happy.
August 16, 2014
Now that I am sitting here typing all this nearly a year later, looking out the window at our purple locust that has grown HUGE and I am feeling my baby boy kick me from inside. Already 14 inches and 2 lbs at 25 weeks, I feel blessed every day that I am able to be a happier mama for him- now that I know why everything happened the way it did.
This is OUR time.
At some point I may go back on these words, but I have to say that at 20 weeks of my pregnancy that I am really finally starting to feel like myself…better even. Just sweatier, but I think that’s called “the glow?”
As someone who has been trying to get pregnant for a quite awhile, and became almost obsessed with the task (okay, actually because obsessed) it weighed very hard on me that I really wasn’t enjoying my pregnancy. It almost makes you feel guilty that you don’t feel good- and as a busy working woman, it is REALLY hard to carry on acting like you are at 100% when you feel like you might die. I kept telling myself in agony, “this is worth it, this is for my baby, you wanted this- remember?” And from the morning sickness that lasted until 6:00 pm (that can only be described as your worst hangover and most painful day of your period mixed together) to the awful back pain that would leave me crippled on the floor sobbing, to the horrific insomnia…I didn’t “love” being pregnant, and I felt guilty for that.
Now I am finally starting to remember what it felt like to be “normal.” Sure, I have a belly in the way- and my ankles hurt more often, but I feel like “me.” My husband thinks I am sexy, and somehow I FEEL sexy. And I definitely LOOK pregnant, which makes me feel like people understand and can sympathize when I might be having an “off” day. (I really think that is one of the worst things about the first trimester- feeling like shit and not feeling like you have an excuse for it since you don’t LOOK pregnant, and often times people still don’t even know you ARE pregnant!)
I am in the beginnings of feeling our little guy move around. I can only describe the feeling as “muscle twitches” sort of- and when I put any pressure with my hands- it feels like something is certainly squirming around in there! Woah- that’s my kid! Seems crazy that he is just a sweet little banana that will one day be raising all sorts of hell (if he is anything like his father). I really can’t wait to meet him!
Day and night, I am thinking about this little monkey in my tummy and dreaming about the day of his arrival. Already about halfway there, but December truly feels like forever at this point. You might be able to call me the most impatient person ever…but after a year of failure before finally getting my rainbow baby- I feel like I have been waiting plenty and I am ready NOW…dammit!
What will you look like? Do you have your daddy’s eyes? Will you have any hair? Will you cry a lot, or will you be more calm? Please don’t be 10 lbs, I don’t think I can take it. Will your daddy ever agree to your name?
Every day I am thinking about him and it is frustrating at this point (19 weeks) since I am not able to do much about it. So what do I do? I shop for him, make him things, decorate the nursery, and anticipate when I will be able to meet this little guy.
So, since I am obviously a bored housewife with nothing to do, it only makes sense that I am always making stuff… haha ya right- running two companies certainly doesn’t leave me with a ton of extra time, but luckily I have my mother’s wonderfully annoying gift of multitasking. I honestly can’t remember a time that my mom watched a movie without a crocheting project in her hands…so, I possess this gift with is probably terribly obnoxious to my poor husband since we can’t even watch an episode of the Bachelorette without me loom-knitting a baby hat, or cutting tiny pants out of thrift sweaters. Lucky for me, my pathetic tiny crafts are now going towards a real-life baby! So obviously I am going completely overboard. My newest obsession is these tiny little baby booties! I have been on the search for a simple pattern and I found one that I love! CLICK HERE they even include a printable template to cut your fabric from! Simple as that. I wanted mine to look more like Tom’s Shoes, so I added a little pleat in the toe- which I think is pretty damn cute. My first two pair (the stripes) took me about 2 hours, but since I have gotten the hang of it- they go so much faster! I made 5 pairs last night… #obsessedmommyproblems Don’t even get me started on appliques!! These are much more time consuming (and spendy, since you have to buy the onesies too) but thought I would share the ones I made last week:
I wrote this post awhile ago, and I just wanted to wait to post since I still needed a link to all of the great little boy fashion below- so I decided I needed to take the time to rearrange my secret baby board on Pinterest to create a new board to share all the cute little boy fashion I find! SO —> here it is <— and I have tons more I still need to move over, so if you have any interest- feel free to follow or revisit any time. Obviously baby boy Schoener already has his own sense of style…this kid is dapper beyond belief, yet truly believes in keeping things comfy- afterall, he is going to be sleeping most of the time for the first few months. So it only makes sense that he his sense of style is dedicated mainly to rad leggings- Mama is already making up-cycled sweater leggings (perfectly cozy for a winter baby!) and cool applique’ onesies. BTW…it is really hard to find any tiny baby jeans that are actually cool –as in, no cargo pockets. Around here, we love denim, sweet modern patterns, woodland animals and mystical creatures, sweater: all and any, cheeky sayings, cool typography, and beanies (if you know my husband, that is a GIVEN)! Be sure to check out my Baby Boy Style Pinterest board for many more (and always adding)—plus I love easy DIY modern baby clothes, so I pin a lot of that stuff too. Obsessed with this little guy already!!!
Baby Schoener is a boy! Both Matt and I are so overjoyed to think of this little guy coming in to rock our world. It’s funny because I “knew” he was a boy from about 8 weeks- of course I had to do my fair share of wives tales and ultrasound studies, and whether I was doing them correctly or not, my gut instinct said boy (after about a week of thinking he was a girl). Seems that the Schoener way is to have a boy first, then a girl- but it seems to be the Idaho Wedding Industry “curse” (or blessing) to have two boys…so I guess we will have to see if I want to do this again after the first go-round! Our first ultrasound 6 weeks 3 days: little Jellybean was nestled right in the corner! According to the Ramzi method—he would have been uterus right=boy! It’s funny because when I first got this picture, it just looked like a splotch. At that point is it so hard to even imagine that it is actually a baby at all- and it is even harder to go through each strenuous day just to make it to the next milestone. (obsessed much!?) Luckily I found some good apps that kept me looking to the future and helped channel my obsessiveness with the ‘jellybean’. My favorite is Ovia Pregnancy (and I used the Ovia app for conceiving too) which is great because it gives you daily tips and facts about the munchkin at that stage- so always something to look forward to! Of course that isn’t enough for the crazy obsessive mother in training- so I also have: BabyCenter, The Bump, WebMD Pregnancy, Sprout, & What to Expect. I told you…flippin cray! Right about now is when I got to experience my first bat with morning sickness (all day sickness) which can only be described as a horrible hangover mixed with your worst period with no bleeding. Seriously- it is a agony. Second Ultrasound 9 weeks 1 day: Our Jellybean is now a Gummy Bear! It was so much fun to see him wiggle around and flap his flippers! At this point, he was feeling more like a baby and less like a speck- Matt brought up that he looks like Casper the friendly ghost… At this point- I have ALL these ideas! Although we have no “real” idea if our little monkey is a boy or girl- (although I *knew* boy) I already had a style board for the nursery and was online shopping for graphic onesies with cool design and typography…the obvious thing to do for a graphic designer mom-to-be! Still obsessed with pregnancy apps and Babycenter boards. At this point, I found a facebook group with December moms–totally recommend btw. It is so crucial to have a support group of other people who know what you are going through. It is so scary to be experiencing all of these changes in your body and not be able to identify normalcy. Sometimes you just need to bitch about your cramps or how sick you are with a group of people who won’t judge you or make you seem ungrateful for your pregnancy. Or sometimes you just need a little drama here and there, us boring married folk have little soap opera to go by in real life. Morning sickness subsided around week 11-13 (felt like the longest 8 weeks of my life, kid you not) and I was starting to show! “Showing” for a pregnant woman is like a love/hate relationship. It is exciting to know that things are happening, but at the same time- you are wondering how much of it is just poop (probably most of it, since pooping is a privilege at this point), your big lunch, water, fat, uterus, and your baby is actually the size of a lime at around 10-11 weeks… None of my clothes would fit and I just looks like I was getting chubby at this point, so LAYERS is sort of how I played it, which just made me look fatter. At 10 weeks, I put on this outfit and was ready to head out the door when I stopped myself: “YOU CANNOT WEAR THIS!!!” I remember cracking up to myself that I thought I would wear a waist pencil skirt with the papoose I had going on. What. A. Joke. So that is when I decided to start the Cinemama App– basically you just take a picture in the same place in the same stance every-ish day. My advice with this is to not put too much stress on it. Just find a consistent spot with a mirror and reasonable light and snap a shot after you get ready. I dont think it is that important that you do EVERY day. When I was first told about the app, it was from another mama who said she recommended doing the same outfit and hair every day….uh ya effing right! I would make it to like 3 pictures and give up. I think it is more about taking photos consistently so you have a nice progression to getting huge. The only think I wish I did is started before I was showing at all. At the end you make a video of your snaps–it is so crazy how much I have changed so far!! (you can also watch your video progress which is cool)Most recent Ultrasound- 16 weeks: We found out our little monkey is all BOY!!! And he is a thumb sucker, just like his mama… It was so much fun seeing his arms and legs kick around- active little guy! I also found out that my placenta is currently anterior (between me and baby), which is a big reason why I haven’t been feeling any early kicks. But baby boy was kicking the heck out of his own food bag- which makes this mama a little worried for when he gets some real strength in him! Alright- there is a brief catch up- but there is a lot more that I have to write about, so I will need to get in the habit of making posts more regularly. I have so many things to talk about, and minimal time to organize and send it. Oh ya, we are in wedding season folks! And our store is keeping us plenty busy with some new and exciting developments!! Just wait and see :)
Since this baby shower seriously happened back in February, you can see how incredibly behind I can possibly be on blogging. Yikes…
I felt like I should post a little bit of the stuff I did for the shower since I am always trying to post my DIY projects (so bad at keeping up with it, sorry!!!) Here we go- links to more photos below! If there is anything specific you see in details that you would like info on how to do or make, please comment and let me know!
It’s official, Matt and I are going to be parents! We announced it on facebook (above) and that means its real now. ;-)
Right now I am at a strange point of feeling oddly prepared yet having no idea what I am doing. I am really excited to see what our baby looks like, and I really can’t wait to finally be a mommy- but then I think about the hard things: What am I going to do with this little person while I work? What if we can’t decide on a name, or we do- and I don’t like it later? How will be be able to handle more laundry? What if the baby never wears newborn size and I don’t get to use all these cute tiny clothes!!? Or fast forward- what am I going to do when this baby is a teenager and hates me…naw, my baby would never!
Regardless, there are a lot of things going through a new mother’s mind…especially when I am so exhausted right now, the thought of taking on one more thing sounds impossible considering the simplest of tasks are already pure torture. Now that I am a day away from 13 weeks, I am just thanking God each day that I don’t feel like I am going to puke all day long, after some rough past weeks.
I am hoping one day soon, I will get a burst of energy and do some fun baby-stuff tutorials. I also have some of my favorite baby fashion finds I can’t wait to post about. Soon soon, but for now, I shall lay my head on this desk and pray for strength to accomplish SOMETHING.
I am sure that if anyone actually reads this blog, they might be thinking- “why all the activity lately?” No, it is NOT because I have excess time lately…I wish it was. But I am trying to make more of an effort to do the things that I love, and for me, it is so easy to get into a rut. Since it is actually my JOB to be creative (as a photographer and graphic artist), it is easy to neglect creating for myself. Making time to learn new things and challenge yourself beyond your regular day-to-day is where I want to be everyday. No matter how busy I get, I want to make sure that I am still learning, growing, and challenging myself as a creative individual. I created this blog as documentation to keep taking care of myself, and to keep growing as a better person.
THINGS I WANT TO DO & LEARN:
-Knitting…with needles. (I crochet already, and I just taught myself to knit on a loom…ready to learn grandma style)
-Making my house a home. I am trying to revamp my house room by room to create an organised & inspiring space that I am proud of.
-Take more pictures…of my life. I know, sounds stupid- but we barely ever take photos in our everyday life.
-DeClutter. I am a hoarder, I know it…time to let it go and be more selective about the “stuff” I keep.
-Grow my own food. Last year I was so overwhelmed with my garden that I completely jumped ship. This year, I want to yield and use more efficiently.
-Blog more! Going months without writing makes me a sad person…and sad people are lame.
I am sure there is more, but I think this is a good start…
What’s that you say, your thrift bunny planter is scaring you? Me too! So the logical solution (to me) seems to cover it with glitter! Holy smokes, they even make glitter spray paint to make your job even easier.
I know it is hard to resist those dead eyes of the previous bunny, but I couldn’t live another day with him…time for a change. I didn’t know that I was such a Rust-oleum advocate, believe it or not- but these cans were all purchased on different days! Ha.
I should have done a step by step with the primer, but I didn’t…sorry.
I just love my finished bunny planter! I bought this adorable little plant (not sure what it is called) for $6 to plant in him. P.S. if you are a plant neglector, like me, I have a little version of the same plant in the window sill of my home office that I water like once every two months, and it has had blooms on it since summer!
Now that you have invested in 4 cans of paint, it seems obvious to glitter bomb makeover everything you own. Obvi.