Today is our two-year wedding anniversary and week 30 of pregnancy.
5 years altogether invested in the most incredible man that I could have ever wished for myself.
I am going to try and keep this post short and sweet because I am running on three collaborative sleep hours from last night, and my fingers are so swollen- its really uncomfortable to type. Plus, Matthew already gets so much praise on this blog, I’d hate for it to go to his head!
When I was planning my wedding, I wanted to have a keepsake left over as something that would commemorate all the hard work and love that went into the day, so I decided to use a lot of mixed fabrics for my table runners that I had the intention to making into a quilt later on (plus, I am thrifty- and couldn’t stand the idea of buying fabric to go to waste!). Not only does this quilt remind me of our wedding, but it was tied with two of the most beautiful and outstanding women I know: my mom, Natalie and my grandma Sharon. The quilt then stayed on our bed for a year after and I can’t wait to use it to snuggle with our new baby boy!
I really just can’t believe our far we have come, what we have gone through, and the amazingly imperfect perfect life we have built. I am so proud of our relationship and the wonderful man that my husband is. He has so much love to give, and I can’t wait to fall even more in love with him when I see him hold our son for the first time. I really feel like every decision I have made in my life has lead me to find him, and I feel so fortunate that I didn’t settle or give up before I did.
Matt, thank you for making everyday “Super Day”–you are my very best friend and life partner, and I can’t wait for MANY MANY MANY more years together!
A little video we made in McCall last year for our first anniversary.
Coming up on week 30 of my pregnancy next week, it is incredible to me that I have made it this far. I have gone through a whirlwind of emotion with carrying this baby up to this point. I am feeling overwhelming joy and excitement, and all in all- I am just ready for this little guy to be here…but then not ready at all.
First Trimester- pure exhaustion and sickness, body is changing, just feeling “fat”, keeping secrets, feeling afraid of NOT being pregnant. I still feel like this stage was definitely the most horrible. There is nothing like feeling like you no longer know yourself, but you reap no reward or satisfaction in knowing that your baby is “ok” or that you are even doing anything right. You know nothing about your baby at this point–and you just pray to make it to each weekly milestone.
Second Trimester- I have to agree that the second trimester is definitely the best. People tell you that, and I know everyone is different. But for me: sickness went away, I actually had a little bump to show off, motivation and energy happens, and the best part- you get to know the gender, you see your little one’s face, and you feel like you get to “know” this little person just a little more each and every day. And there is something about feeling somewhat “adorable” with a round bump that still can be dressed in the latest fashions.
Third Trimester- Mind you, I am only in week 2 of the third trimester. Although the countdown is “on”, I still have quite a ways to go (11 weeks)! At this point, I am just freaking out about everything I don’t have…yet I somehow feel prepared? The funny (and frustrating) thing is just having zero control over anything. I am getting really anxious to see him- will he look like me, or Matt? Will he have hair? Will he like to snuggle? You know, all those images of “you having your own child -one day-” is no longer a day far in the future. It feels like the only thing I have control over is the “stuff”— What kind of baby carrier do I want? Should I just order a stroller or wait for my shower? Glass bottles or plastic? Where do I hang all this stuff on the walls of the nursery? The damn crib sheet I ordered is on back-order until November…time to panic!
Now, my body…what no one tells you, or maybe they do and I chose not to listen, is that in the third trimester- by consenting to “being pregnant” you have now agreed to submit your body as public domain. Not only do you no longer look or feel like yourself, you also get increasingly uncomfortable every single day. Those kicks that you used to long to feel, get annoying. Your toes may resemble sausage-in-a-can (the can being ANY shoes, really) and swelling continues to go up the cankles and all the way to your face- depending on the day. Bending over or getting out of the couch causes shortness of breath and a feeling of defeat. Consistent heartburn. Can’t sleep. Finding ANYTHING to wear is success, actually trying to look like a “with-it” human being feels impossible. I felt like almost immediately at week 27 that my previous feeling of “pathetically adorable” has now just reached “pathetically defeated.”
Immediately following my own self-loathing was a slew of unwanted comments about how “huge” I look. Although I am usually a person with fairly high self-esteem, I have to say in defense of my fellow preggo lady folk- please be aware of what you are saying to people. As someone who has struggled with my weight just as a normal person- I have noticed that people feel like they can tell you how fat you used to look AFTER you have lost weight. I was once told that I lost a “TON OF WEIGHT” by someone who thought they were complimenting me after a 15lb weightloss. I think about this when people are telling me now that I am going to have a HUGE baby and that they can’t believe I have such a long ways to go with my pregnancy. There is something about “well you don’t look like that anymore” or “pregnancy is a temporary state, so we can say whatever we want”–what you don’t realize is already what a struggle it has been getting this far. But what I really think about when people are judging my HUGE baby when I am only 29 weeks along, is that you are truly judging the size of my body. The average baby at this point would only be about 2.5-3lbs, and between now and my due date, my baby will TRIPLE in weight. Yes, I know that there is also a lot more than just baby going on in there between placenta, fluids, swelling, etc. But do you? I very well may have a 10lb baby…or I might have a 6lb one- in which case, I want you to remember when you blatantly told me how huge I looked.
But-the flip side- and I know this is something that even I have to work on. I also have a lot of pregnant friends who don’t show as much with their pregnancies. Although I look at them in envy, hearing how upset some have gotten about comments on how they “don’t even look pregnant” or assumptions that their babies are undersized or malnourished can be equally upsetting. Commenting on how small a pregnant woman is can also feel defeating (although I would not know that personally… *wink wink*) Like I said, it is hard not to compare myself to these friends and be envious of their smaller bumps and lack of swollen everything. But I have to remember myself that pregnancy is so different for everyone.
On a positive note- we are nearing the end of wedding season, and new ventures are keeping me busy and making the weeks fly by. Soon enough, our little guy will be out and a part of our lives…and I won’t have to be pregnant anymore! (and hopefully Land of Nod will ship my crib sheet before then…)
26 weeks this week- crazy to think how quickly our little guy will be here (14ish weeks-wahh!?) …but at the same time, it feels like forever away! And according to nearly everyone who asks my due date- it might as well be.
Just so you know- it is so incredibly rude to shriek with horror that I still have 3 months to go… I know, I look like whale, I can see it all over your face. In case you were wondering, my Dr says my weight gain is on point, and I don’t give a shit that you couldn’t tell you were pregnant at 6 months with your kids.
THAT being said: I would totally be okay with not being pregnant anymore. Walking (waddling) a little slower than usual and trying to shove my pudgy, swollen feet into nearly any pair of shoes I own, I could certainly go another day without. But as I sit here in the tub (feet above the heart, people), my little alien is going crazy in there. Squirming around and karate-kicking me like Kung Foo Panda; it is pretty nuts to think about all the amazing things that my poor, tired, manatee body is capable of.
Another thing about pregnancy (or my pregnancy) there is something about knowing you are declining considerably in the ‘looks’ category, but somehow still feeling beautiful and special. So lucky for my husband who always makes me feel like I am ‘hot’ even when both of us know my stretch pants are nearing their max-stretch…”there is no baby in your ass ma’am.”
I love you Matt.
This has been a post that I have been debating about writing for the past year. Its one of those things that will always have a place in my mind and my heart, and I guess it has taken this long for me to realize that maybe there is someone out there who might need to hear my story. But more importantly, it has taken this long for me to feel positively about it.
Last July (2013), I found out that I was pregnant. After months of trying- we were completely overjoyed to find out that it was finally our turn! With a due date to look forward to in March 2014, I felt like things were FINALLY going my way after obsessing over the months that nothing was happening. Plus, taking my career so seriously as a wedding photographer- our ‘trying’ window had to coincide with wedding season…which added an extra pressure to sprint to the win. So when I didn’t get pregnant right away, I started to obsess.
With my new embryo on board- I was thrilled, but I feel like there was always something a little ‘off’ about it. Besides tender boobs and some cramping, I really had almost zero symptoms of ‘being pregnant’. I think that coming from a place of pessimistic obsession and checking ‘getting pregnant’ off my list- looking back, I am not sure I was really in right place to take on motherhood. I actually felt anger and jealousy of nearly everyone on my Facebook feed that were popping up as (seemingly effortlessly) pregnant all over the place. And, I WAS pregnant. I got what I wanted, and I was still spiteful and jealous. I wasn’t myself.
August 14, 2013
During our months of trying, I actually started a One Line a Day Journal which I feel was my saving grace to keeping myself honest. Essentially, the way the journal works is for you to make a small journal entry (5 lines or so) a day, each page is it’s own day. When you get to the end of your year, you repeat the days that you had written on previously the year before. When we were trying to get pregnant, I would jot my disappointment with the idea that by the time I was writing in those future slots- I would have my child, and think of my impatience as silly.
On August 15th 2013 I made an entry- “I don’t even feel pregnant anymore. It is like it was all a dream…” and on August 21st, I started bleeding.
During all of this, I needed a little more than a line- so I typed a document on my computer,
here are the writings:
After a spat of bleedings, yesterday Matt and I went into the doctor to see what could be wrong with our baby. Since the nurse asked my blood type over the phone before scheduling my rush appointment, I knew there was something seriously wrong. According to my pregnancy tracker, I was 9 weeks pregnant the day I started bleeding.
Sitting in the doctors office with my husband, we were snickering about the horrible maroon-floral chints decor of the waiting room and Matt even made a comment about all of the “fat chicks” referring all of the big-bellied expecting ladies waiting for their checkups, he always knows how to make me smile. Laughing lightly in the moment, even though my heart was heavy and my eyes were still filled with tears.
They brought us in for our internal ultrasound. It felt unfortunate that this is how we would see our baby for the first time, premature of our appointment we were joyfully awaiting to come the following Monday. This was different, this wasn’t how I’d hope it would go. Holding Matt’s hand tightly, I couldn’t help but look away from the screen. My occasional peek lead to me seeing a tiny little baby outline. After we both stared at the still little outline, Matt says “What exactly are we looking at here?” When our tech replied, “Well, that is a baby- but it doesn’t look like we have a heartbeat today.”
With tears streaming down my face, I feel like I just sort of left the room mentally. She explained that the baby was only 6.5 weeks developed, which means it probably passed about 2.5 weeks ago. This wasn’t how I would have hoped I’d see our first baby for the first time.
As I sobbed in Matt’s arms about the baby we never really knew, but wanted for so long- he was strong, strong for me. Which almost made it worse, because I know how badly he wants to be a daddy.
After receiving a prescription to make the “passing” of the fetus go by quicker, I am waiting…waiting in horrible pain for my little angel to leave my body. I am so scared of what I will see and I can’t wait for it to be over.
During all of this, I feel so blessed to have such an amazing partner. Not everyone is so strong and supportive. He is positive that when it actually happens to us for real, it will be better than ever. And I love him for that.
Day 4 since we found out our little one doesn’t have a heartbeat. It has been absolute torment thinking about when it will leave my body. I am in pure agony physically and emotionally. Yesterday I was working shooting a wedding, I feel blessed that it didn’t happen then- but living on the edge as to when this will be surprising me is awful. I can’t wait for all of this to be over and for us to be able to go on living our lives that we love. Today I have had non-stop sharp cramping and bleeding, maybe this will be the time? I hope.
I keep thinking about how I will deal with it when it happens, but I guess it is something I won’t know til it happens. I think I would like to bury our baby somewhere in our yard.
Whenever I look out at our gardens, I think about when I first planted. It felt like the plants would never grow even though I was nurturing them relentlessly. As soon as I knew it, I got so busy with life that I left everything alone. Now all of our plants are so large and bountiful I can’t believe how quickly it seems they grew when it felt like they started at a standstill…. One day I will have my healthy baby, and it will seem like no time at all, even though we got a slow start. So, I think I will plant our little seedling in our yard to remind me how much we loved our little baby even though it wasn’t ready to be on this earth.
Today I started cramping with the sharpest most horrendous pain I have ever experienced. After a couple of hours of barely bearing it, I finally gave in and called my doctor. I was honestly worried that my neighbors might call the cops since I couldn’t stop screaming. I was praying for anything to make it stop.
My mom went to pick up a prescription my doctor called in for the pain. By the time she arrived, I was laying on the bathroom floor nearly passed out from the amount of blood I lost and my body felt exhausted from the pain of the contractions. I have honestly never felt worse in my life, and my poor mother had to see me like that on her birthday.
With the pain meds in my system, I was finally able to relax have some dinner that Matt made for me. Shortly after, the baby finally passed. I wrapped it in some fabric from our wedding and put it in a small box. Matt dug a hole under our purple locust and we buried our little dream. Honestly, I just feel relief…relief of this nightmare. We are ready for the future.
After not seeing those for a year- I am, of course, sobbing my face off, but I am SO glad that I wrote it down. It was such an important time in Matt and my relationship and in our lives.
After another failed (very early) pregnancy later that November, I realized it just wasn’t our year- and it was time to start trying again in February. The time between felt long and sad. I felt jealousy towards anyone experiencing the life they chose, since my planned path was NOT going the way that I thought it would. Yet, I was feeling guilty for feeling anything. Especially after seeing a friend lose her baby before 30 weeks around the same time as my first miscarriage. Why did I have a right to feel anger? My experience is nothing compared to others’! My journal kept me honest…and the blank years to come kept me hopeful.
After what I could easily say, was the most difficult year of my life- I decided that it was okay to let myself be happy again. I was allowed to feel happy for other people, and I was allowed to let it go and start over.
A few days after I got to witness the birth of my best friend’s baby boy, I found out that I was pregnant. And I knew right away that it was different. Of course I was scared (and still am, every day) that something would happen to my little miracle- but I felt happy.
August 16, 2014
Now that I am sitting here typing all this nearly a year later, looking out the window at our purple locust that has grown HUGE and I am feeling my baby boy kick me from inside. Already 14 inches and 2 lbs at 25 weeks, I feel blessed every day that I am able to be a happier mama for him- now that I know why everything happened the way it did.
This is OUR time.
At some point I may go back on these words, but I have to say that at 20 weeks of my pregnancy that I am really finally starting to feel like myself…better even. Just sweatier, but I think that’s called “the glow?”
As someone who has been trying to get pregnant for a quite awhile, and became almost obsessed with the task (okay, actually because obsessed) it weighed very hard on me that I really wasn’t enjoying my pregnancy. It almost makes you feel guilty that you don’t feel good- and as a busy working woman, it is REALLY hard to carry on acting like you are at 100% when you feel like you might die. I kept telling myself in agony, “this is worth it, this is for my baby, you wanted this- remember?” And from the morning sickness that lasted until 6:00 pm (that can only be described as your worst hangover and most painful day of your period mixed together) to the awful back pain that would leave me crippled on the floor sobbing, to the horrific insomnia…I didn’t “love” being pregnant, and I felt guilty for that.
Now I am finally starting to remember what it felt like to be “normal.” Sure, I have a belly in the way- and my ankles hurt more often, but I feel like “me.” My husband thinks I am sexy, and somehow I FEEL sexy. And I definitely LOOK pregnant, which makes me feel like people understand and can sympathize when I might be having an “off” day. (I really think that is one of the worst things about the first trimester- feeling like shit and not feeling like you have an excuse for it since you don’t LOOK pregnant, and often times people still don’t even know you ARE pregnant!)
I am in the beginnings of feeling our little guy move around. I can only describe the feeling as “muscle twitches” sort of- and when I put any pressure with my hands- it feels like something is certainly squirming around in there! Woah- that’s my kid! Seems crazy that he is just a sweet little banana that will one day be raising all sorts of hell (if he is anything like his father). I really can’t wait to meet him!
Day and night, I am thinking about this little monkey in my tummy and dreaming about the day of his arrival. Already about halfway there, but December truly feels like forever at this point. You might be able to call me the most impatient person ever…but after a year of failure before finally getting my rainbow baby- I feel like I have been waiting plenty and I am ready NOW…dammit!
What will you look like? Do you have your daddy’s eyes? Will you have any hair? Will you cry a lot, or will you be more calm? Please don’t be 10 lbs, I don’t think I can take it. Will your daddy ever agree to your name?
Every day I am thinking about him and it is frustrating at this point (19 weeks) since I am not able to do much about it. So what do I do? I shop for him, make him things, decorate the nursery, and anticipate when I will be able to meet this little guy.
So, since I am obviously a bored housewife with nothing to do, it only makes sense that I am always making stuff… haha ya right- running two companies certainly doesn’t leave me with a ton of extra time, but luckily I have my mother’s wonderfully annoying gift of multitasking. I honestly can’t remember a time that my mom watched a movie without a crocheting project in her hands…so, I possess this gift with is probably terribly obnoxious to my poor husband since we can’t even watch an episode of the Bachelorette without me loom-knitting a baby hat, or cutting tiny pants out of thrift sweaters. Lucky for me, my pathetic tiny crafts are now going towards a real-life baby! So obviously I am going completely overboard. My newest obsession is these tiny little baby booties! I have been on the search for a simple pattern and I found one that I love! CLICK HERE they even include a printable template to cut your fabric from! Simple as that. I wanted mine to look more like Tom’s Shoes, so I added a little pleat in the toe- which I think is pretty damn cute. My first two pair (the stripes) took me about 2 hours, but since I have gotten the hang of it- they go so much faster! I made 5 pairs last night… #obsessedmommyproblems Don’t even get me started on appliques!! These are much more time consuming (and spendy, since you have to buy the onesies too) but thought I would share the ones I made last week:
I wrote this post awhile ago, and I just wanted to wait to post since I still needed a link to all of the great little boy fashion below- so I decided I needed to take the time to rearrange my secret baby board on Pinterest to create a new board to share all the cute little boy fashion I find! SO —> here it is <— and I have tons more I still need to move over, so if you have any interest- feel free to follow or revisit any time. Obviously baby boy Schoener already has his own sense of style…this kid is dapper beyond belief, yet truly believes in keeping things comfy- afterall, he is going to be sleeping most of the time for the first few months. So it only makes sense that he his sense of style is dedicated mainly to rad leggings- Mama is already making up-cycled sweater leggings (perfectly cozy for a winter baby!) and cool applique’ onesies. BTW…it is really hard to find any tiny baby jeans that are actually cool –as in, no cargo pockets. Around here, we love denim, sweet modern patterns, woodland animals and mystical creatures, sweater: all and any, cheeky sayings, cool typography, and beanies (if you know my husband, that is a GIVEN)! Be sure to check out my Baby Boy Style Pinterest board for many more (and always adding)—plus I love easy DIY modern baby clothes, so I pin a lot of that stuff too. Obsessed with this little guy already!!!
Baby Schoener is a boy! Both Matt and I are so overjoyed to think of this little guy coming in to rock our world. It’s funny because I “knew” he was a boy from about 8 weeks- of course I had to do my fair share of wives tales and ultrasound studies, and whether I was doing them correctly or not, my gut instinct said boy (after about a week of thinking he was a girl). Seems that the Schoener way is to have a boy first, then a girl- but it seems to be the Idaho Wedding Industry “curse” (or blessing) to have two boys…so I guess we will have to see if I want to do this again after the first go-round! Our first ultrasound 6 weeks 3 days: little Jellybean was nestled right in the corner! According to the Ramzi method—he would have been uterus right=boy! It’s funny because when I first got this picture, it just looked like a splotch. At that point is it so hard to even imagine that it is actually a baby at all- and it is even harder to go through each strenuous day just to make it to the next milestone. (obsessed much!?) Luckily I found some good apps that kept me looking to the future and helped channel my obsessiveness with the ‘jellybean’. My favorite is Ovia Pregnancy (and I used the Ovia app for conceiving too) which is great because it gives you daily tips and facts about the munchkin at that stage- so always something to look forward to! Of course that isn’t enough for the crazy obsessive mother in training- so I also have: BabyCenter, The Bump, WebMD Pregnancy, Sprout, & What to Expect. I told you…flippin cray! Right about now is when I got to experience my first bat with morning sickness (all day sickness) which can only be described as a horrible hangover mixed with your worst period with no bleeding. Seriously- it is a agony. Second Ultrasound 9 weeks 1 day: Our Jellybean is now a Gummy Bear! It was so much fun to see him wiggle around and flap his flippers! At this point, he was feeling more like a baby and less like a speck- Matt brought up that he looks like Casper the friendly ghost… At this point- I have ALL these ideas! Although we have no “real” idea if our little monkey is a boy or girl- (although I *knew* boy) I already had a style board for the nursery and was online shopping for graphic onesies with cool design and typography…the obvious thing to do for a graphic designer mom-to-be! Still obsessed with pregnancy apps and Babycenter boards. At this point, I found a facebook group with December moms–totally recommend btw. It is so crucial to have a support group of other people who know what you are going through. It is so scary to be experiencing all of these changes in your body and not be able to identify normalcy. Sometimes you just need to bitch about your cramps or how sick you are with a group of people who won’t judge you or make you seem ungrateful for your pregnancy. Or sometimes you just need a little drama here and there, us boring married folk have little soap opera to go by in real life. Morning sickness subsided around week 11-13 (felt like the longest 8 weeks of my life, kid you not) and I was starting to show! “Showing” for a pregnant woman is like a love/hate relationship. It is exciting to know that things are happening, but at the same time- you are wondering how much of it is just poop (probably most of it, since pooping is a privilege at this point), your big lunch, water, fat, uterus, and your baby is actually the size of a lime at around 10-11 weeks… None of my clothes would fit and I just looks like I was getting chubby at this point, so LAYERS is sort of how I played it, which just made me look fatter. At 10 weeks, I put on this outfit and was ready to head out the door when I stopped myself: “YOU CANNOT WEAR THIS!!!” I remember cracking up to myself that I thought I would wear a waist pencil skirt with the papoose I had going on. What. A. Joke. So that is when I decided to start the Cinemama App– basically you just take a picture in the same place in the same stance every-ish day. My advice with this is to not put too much stress on it. Just find a consistent spot with a mirror and reasonable light and snap a shot after you get ready. I dont think it is that important that you do EVERY day. When I was first told about the app, it was from another mama who said she recommended doing the same outfit and hair every day….uh ya effing right! I would make it to like 3 pictures and give up. I think it is more about taking photos consistently so you have a nice progression to getting huge. The only think I wish I did is started before I was showing at all. At the end you make a video of your snaps–it is so crazy how much I have changed so far!! (you can also watch your video progress which is cool)Most recent Ultrasound- 16 weeks: We found out our little monkey is all BOY!!! And he is a thumb sucker, just like his mama… It was so much fun seeing his arms and legs kick around- active little guy! I also found out that my placenta is currently anterior (between me and baby), which is a big reason why I haven’t been feeling any early kicks. But baby boy was kicking the heck out of his own food bag- which makes this mama a little worried for when he gets some real strength in him! Alright- there is a brief catch up- but there is a lot more that I have to write about, so I will need to get in the habit of making posts more regularly. I have so many things to talk about, and minimal time to organize and send it. Oh ya, we are in wedding season folks! And our store is keeping us plenty busy with some new and exciting developments!! Just wait and see :)
Since this baby shower seriously happened back in February, you can see how incredibly behind I can possibly be on blogging. Yikes…
I felt like I should post a little bit of the stuff I did for the shower since I am always trying to post my DIY projects (so bad at keeping up with it, sorry!!!) Here we go- links to more photos below! If there is anything specific you see in details that you would like info on how to do or make, please comment and let me know!