Because my baby is a trendsetter.
I feel like everyday for the past couple weeks, I wake up and think- “I should really write a blog post today” but then it follows with a “ughhhhhhhhhh I feel sooooo awful and I have so much more important things to get done before baby boy gets here!” Well today is the day that I am going to put my foot down, because at 38 weeks- we are getting awfully close to having our worlds rocked, and I feel like I am on a cruel roller coaster of time travel. Some weeks seem to last centuries and others fly by- but the truth is, this little boy could decide to come ANY time (although my doctor loves to tell me how 1st babies like to come a week late…which is really mean to say, true or not!).
Okay so here we go: I can’t even remember where I left off with my sad excuse for blogging this pregnancy. Let me start off by telling you that I am realizing that my body was not made for pregnancy. I know I know, it technically “WAS”- but honestly, I have had probably every possible pregnancy punishment you could possibly have while maintaining what would be called a “normal” pregnancy. I am so thankful and lucky to be healthy and for our baby boy to be healthy (thank God!) even if it means that I have hated my life for at least 75% of this 9 month journey. Each symptom outweighs the next, and I have to ask myself “Was this worse than that…? yes and no. Would I rather not be able to walk due to debilitating back pain, or would I rather aspirate on my own stomach acid in the middle of the night because of severe acid reflux? Would I rather have nausea or a cold that is now going on 4 weeks? Who doesn’t like lung compression that leaves them gasping and panicking for air on a daily basis? How ’bout swelling that leaves you wrestling any of the pairs of shoes you already bought a size bigger, and then taking them off at the end of the day to reveal shoe-shaped indentations that resemble play-dough? My newest adventure is a blanket of sore, purple stretchmarks that cover 90% of the skin the entire length of my stomach (and a belly-ring scar that has expanded like the words on a Happy Birthday balloon)—I am beginning to think that this baby boy is going to bypass the whole “vaginal delivery” thing and burst out of the skin on my stomach like the Kool-Aid Man! But, in all fairness- I really do take him for a trendsetter, although it may result in my immediate death.
Speaking of death. I know, “stoppit” right? But seriously, when I am going through my insane thoughts of childbirth, I think: “what if I don’t make it?” So morbid, but it does happen. I am thinking- “hopefully Matt was listening during all of our childcare classes”, and “what is Frannie going to do about the wedding show? and will my clients ever get their wedding album, hopefully they remind her?” Then I go back to wanting this baby to stay in, although I am nervous that the longer he stays- the more likely for the Kool Aid Man scenario mentioned above.
I thought babies were supposed to have less vigorous movement as they are more confined in the womb—my baby says: “bullshit, I’ll make room!” as he extends what could only be described as the body part of a small man straight out…and I feel like I am ripping from the inside out as I scream into what has to be his butt (he is head down at this point) to leave me alone! I am over it. I asked for this.
NOW that I have talked pretty much anyone out of ever trying “pregnancy”–let me give you the silver lining:
No matter how awful I am feeling, when I feel my little guy (when he isn’t hurting me) wiggling in my belly, I am SO obsessed with him. I have no idea what he looks like, or if he will be a “good baby,” but he is the best parts of me and the one person that I chose to love most in this world- and I honestly can’t think of anything better than that. When I am getting down about my wrecked body, or panicking about how I can’t sleep of breathe- I remember that it is all for him, and I am SOOO lucky to have the most amazing husband who loves me more because of it. I know there aren’t many who are as lucky as I.